Tread carefully, you could be walking on eggshells, or skating on thin ice

coloured pencil drawing:

hands, feet and 'the negative space'

This drawing started with an outline drawing of my feet, which I coloured in using two amazing thick pencils with multi-coloured 'lead', then I added the hands, and finally the containing darker shape around the whole image, which is curiously like an 'alien' head. I remember my high school art teacher saying 'notice the negative space' in an image, which is the shape that contains or surrounds the other 'positive' shapes. Thanks Mr Ritchie! This negative space gives definition to the positive, creates contrast, and perhaps also symbolically reminds us that we can't avoid the negative... 

I was thinking prosaically about my feet, because I sprained my ankle a week ago, and so have been noticing ungratefully the limitations this minor injury has imposed on me. This coincided with a mild cold, and with S being away, which has meant I have been feeling less than excellent, and with more to do than usual, in the past few days. The main undesirable change has been fewer options at the gym; in fact I have only been there twice this week, for a PT (personal training) session and a body balance class, which is relaxing and not stressful to ankles.

So I was thinking, before I made this image, about the many metaphors in English involving feet or walking, such as the sensible: 'taking baby steps'; the ecologically responsible: 'tread lightly' and 'leave only your footprints behind'; 'walking on eggshells', often used by clients to describe the experience of living with a violent partner, and my favourite, which is not actually about walking at all: 'when you are on thin ice, skate fast!'.

Why hands? I have just started reading a book called The case for working with your hands, or why office work is bad for us and fixing things feels good, by Matthew Crawford. Written by a Brit with a PhD in political philosophy, Crawford explains why he gave up his well paid job in a 'think tank' after 5 months, to become a motorcycle mechanic. He was much happier with this second occupation, which combines complex problem-solving with manual work. I found that my lack of knowledge of engines was a limitation to fully appreciating this book, but I think I got the gist of his argument. My brother, who spent years living with greasy parts of old Norton's or BSA's strewn around his living room, would definitely get it.

Its possibly just a new take on the Marxist theory of alienation - which occurs if workers are removed from the means of production, and become parts of a factory assembly line instead. However, Crawford is also arguing that making (or fixing) things with your hands somehow 'feels right': after all, we evolved into humans with this unique brain and hands connectivity. We think about how to solve problems, and we do something to try to solve them.  And as an art therapist, I can see some useful parallels. Put simply: perhaps we can 'fix our troubled minds' by making things with our hands. One of my adolescent clients actually wrote 'you need hands' on one of his artworks. And then there was this:

I went to my office on Thursday, to find that a jackhammer one floor below was creating a 'no thinking zone' in the entire wing of the hospital where I work. Actually that's not true - there were some thoughts - but not work related ones. I then found out there was no power, and I was close to giving up and going home, but I had a couple of meetings scheduled, which it would have been annoying (and rude) to miss.

I stayed, the noise subsided and the power was restored, so I started working on a new database we have to learn, to deliver our courses more effectively, or something. Within an hour, I could feel RSI coming back to my right wrist, which happens when I do too much mouse clicking. Ankles, wrists, if I was looking for a pattern I'd find one here.  Then I realised my hour of database training had taught me how to create things (i.e. folders), but not to delete them if I made them in the wrong place....Yes, its been a challenging week: the meetings, however, were rather more productive and enjoyable.

In ACT, the importance of our committed actions, which usually involve using our hands and our feet, are emphasised. In this case, not leaving when I felt like it, was the important action, if inaction can be called an action.

In relation to my last post, I noticed that Justin Bieber believes that 'everything happens for a reason'. Apparently this includes rape. Enough said.

More later.

'Sh*t happens': but not always 'for a reason'...

In the public arena this week, Federal Opposition Leader Tony Abbott was questioned on TV about the appropriateness of his comment 'shit happens', whilst talking to Australian soldiers in Afghanistan about the death of a colleague. His response to being questioned about this, was half a minute's embarassing silence, even though his original comment seemed reasonable in context. His lack of response made him look flustered and unprofessional, not to mention lacking in leadership qualities.

Meanwhile at work, a colleague was traumatised by viewing a graphic image of a distressing event, which was inappropriately brought into her workplace. Her comment, 'was I meant to see this image for some reason?' got me thinking...

Undoubtedly, shit happens and clearly, we cannot always protect ourselves from experiencing trauma. Usually, we may feel pretty resiliant, and can often bounce back from upsetting events. Some of us routinely hear about trauma during the course of our work. Sometimes, however, there is a crack in our armour, and something random will affect us strongly, causing us to experience vicarious trauma. This is a real hazard in working as a therapist, or in a related role.

The effect seems to be culmulative - we cannot always predict which will be the straw that breaks the camel's back, but when it does, we may feel shocked, upset, angry or fearful. We may lose confidence in our ability to continue doing this work. What I find hard to understand, is the response to traumatic events that I often hear, usually from women, namely that: 'everything happens for a reason'. I heard (most inappropriately) this after the Boxing Day Tsunami, for example...

Colour your Heart for Valentine's Day: Love Flood  

I have just read an article in the Weekend Australian magazine about gambling and randomness, which suggests that it is a human trait to find patterns where there are none. This seems to explain why there is a need to see random negative events as part of a Grand Plan.

I mentioned in my last post, that I was struggling with the issue of spirituality, and this may be part of the reason why. I cannot believe in the notion of 'a Plan'. In fact, I believe, (if there is a god), that god's secret is: 'there is no plan'. I believe some things happen for a reason, but only if the reason is based on science...

My drawing above is sort of related to this - S is in Mission Beach, North Queensland, doing more Community Recovery work, this time in the Cyclone Yasi affected area. He had booked a table at a great restaurant for Valentine's day - now sadly unusable! I am a bit sad about this, but hey, I'll cope. Its important work, as it enables people to get government assistance for rebuilding their cyclone damaged homes.

The Wall: I Love U

On the topic of Relationships: the subject of this image is how we can feel as if there is a defensive wall between us and others, but if we dig deep enough, we find out that we are still connected. Wow! I am starting to sound a bit New Age myself...

More later.

The final five areas for committed action in February!

Before I start on my main topic, I will share this link to cartoonist Liza Donnelly talking about her work, and how it has been 'her saviour'. My favourite cartoon is the one where the child says: 'I'm staying together for the sake of my parents'. I meet a few children who do this in my work as a therapist. Its something I was pretty good at too, as a child.

A week ago I posted an update of my progress so far, with eight of the thirteen areas of change I identified at the start of this blog, Doing What Matters. I promised to address the other five areas in the near future, which I will do now.

Barbie's magic castle

Therapy

Therapy refers to my work as an art therapist, both as an art therapy (AT) educator, and as a therapist for an NGO working with children and families; mainly those who have experienced trauma and/or grief. Since I am already doing both these jobs, my aim is to keep improving my practice, and to extend my knowledge and skills as much as I can. The photo of the Barbie castle is one I chose for our program review at the end of last year, to reflect what I love about this work. I found the castle abandonded by the side of the road (from a garage sale) and this is part of its attraction. Open it up and all sorts of amazing things start to happen, or at least to become possible. (And I never had a Barbie when I was a girl).

On the teaching front, we are facing huge challenges at the moment in terms of developing our skills to cope with changes in teaching delivery, using electronic systems for example. I have been rewriting one of my courses for this year to include a reflective blog for students, to write about theoretical approaches to AT and their artwork responses. I am looking forward to seeing how this works in practice, and I am excited about it since it parallels what I am doing here to some extent. In fact, one of the reasons for starting this blog was to trial my ideas for my teaching practice.

In relation to being a therapist, I am trying to incorporate Acceptance and Commitment Therapy into my AT practice as much as possible. This seems to be particularly applicable to working with teenagers. Bringing in new approaches keeps me interested and hopefully improves my practice, and outcomes for clients.

Fruit bowl - I Phone photo 1

Home

On the home front, I am frustrated by the February heat and humidity, and it is at this time of the year that our decision not to have air-conditioning is most severely tested.  I am doing very minimal cleaning, organising or anything much that involves movement, unless I have to. Like August, the tail end of winter, February is when we are over the heat, and this summer in particular has been so destructive and wild, it hasn't been much fun at all. I have hardly even been to the beach.

But anyway, in relation to home, I am noticing how much I enjoy being home and doing things around the house. Often these are creative, such as making things for the home, or just for the fun of making. Preparing good food in the hot weather is challenging, so I am planning to make lots of salads in the next few weeks. On Friday night I made buckwheat and chicken salad, with avocado, mango,  pistachios and pomegranates, and I didn't even cook the chicken. (I bought a cooked chicken). We are eating fewer take-aways than we used to, and when the rest of the family had take-away the other night (curry, as usual) I didn't want to eat it, so I had a mushroom and spinach omlette.

I had fun with my i-Phone the other night, downloading some photo apps which make some instant effects possible. The fruit bowl is an example, using Hipstamatic. Here is another one of me, using crazy Photo Booth:

I Phone photo 2

lightning flash PFX Weather and I Phone



emotional growth

The image above, in which I added stormy weather effects to my photo, seems like a good one for emotions. Using the weather to describe our emotions can be really useful - weather is something external we are all affected by and it is more tangible in some ways than an emotional state. The weather is not something we can control - it just 'happens to us'. I have noticed less anxiety being around recently, and whilst this may change, I am enjoying it while I can. It may be to do with meditation, which I am managing to practice virtually every day. Sad feelings come up sometimes, and tend to stay around for a while. I am trying to stay with these feelings, and not distract myself - it doesn't usually work anyway.

I have also noticed myself laughing more often, which is a good outcome.

communication

The main area of communication is the blog, which (clearly) speaks for itself! I have had a chapter accepted for an e-book on Australian art therapy, which I submitted just before Christmas. In my own world, communication could always be improved. I am often torn between the need for open expression, and the need for order, and clear-headed decision making. Sometimes I wish I was more outspoken, sometimes less. Perhaps that makes for a happy medium, I'm not sure.

spirituality

This seems almost like an afterthought, which it probably shouldn't be. I haven't honestly given it a great deal of thought. Its a hard thing to think about, even harder to write about. I should do some artwork about it, and see if that helps.

more later.



reggae for recovery: many rivers to cross

This took me back, its so long since I went to a reggae festival...probably not since we lived in Brixton over 21 years ago...and it was such good fun! After a frentic day the day before, it was so relaxing to just sit and listen to music for 2 or 7 hours!! The weather was perfect: no sun, not much rain, just clouds keeping the temperature moderate and the skin unburnt.

Highlights were Maxi Priest (Wild World) and Jimmy Cliff (Many Rivers to Cross, I Can See Clearly Now, By the Rivers of Babylon - there's a theme there given it was a flood benefit!), but I must admit I also enjoyed the Bob Marley covers, and there were many - Redemption Song, One Love, Buffalo Soldiers (but sadly not Is this Love, my favourite) - sung by his son Ky-Mani and the Original Wailers (two separate acts). Here is a review.

Ky-Mani Marley at Riverstage (his back is to the audience)

There may need to be many more recovery events for Queensland - at the time of writing, Tropical Cyclone Yasi is looking like an extremely destructive 'weather event' about to happen in the North, with huge storm surges and about a metre of rain predicted, not to mention winds of about 240kph. This puts the Brisbane floods into perspective, as they mainly affected some unlucky people with houses in low-lying areas of the city, but this cyclone could damage much more property, kill more people and generally cause more devastation.

I'm no good 2

I did this about 10 days ago at the AT and ACT workshop I facilitated . The point is to take a common unhelpful thought and to mess around with the words, as a way of 'defusing' its potency. I did this by using soft pastel pinks and blues, bubble writing and vegetation. Someone pointed out that you can change the meaning by just changing the word order, so it becomes 'no, I'm good' but this is missing the point. The point is to notice the thought and let it go. I often have a similar thought - maybe in relation to not doing something I was planning to - like going to the gym when I am too tired - (and really, in the scheme of things, I still do go to the gym pretty often, I can afford to have a break when I am tired!) however unjustified, I still have these unhelpful thoughts - we all do- and its important to practice ignoring them (like we do planned ignoring of naughty children - I like that metaphor, thoughts as naughty children!) as much as possible.

eye of the storm

I did this watercolour drawing/painting a year or so ago. Its looking a bit like a cyclone so I decided to include it. Its actually about trying to put all the strands of my life into some sort of coherent order - I ended up with a cyclone!

This satelite image shows the huge size of cyclone Yasi - bigger than Queensland...

Now we have to wait and see what happens. I am thinking of everyone in North Queensland.

More later.

balancing acts

Today I am thinking about the work-life balance that we all struggle to 'get right'.  In between weekend chores such as changing the sheets, doing a load of washing, making rye bread and granola, weeding the garden, vacuuming the house, cleaning mould off my shoes, and fixing the dripper irrigation system running off our rainwater tank, I also manged to sit down and do the Saturday cryptic crossword, walk the dog, drink 2 cups of tea, have lunch, start a sewing project for work (making a stuffed purple elephant) and do this drawing:

the owl and the parrot

The owl and the parrot appeared in a previous post, in my painting about meditation. They represented the observing self (owl) and the chattering mind (parrot). In ACT, we need to pay more attention to the observing self, and less to the chattering mind. In this oil pastel drawing however, the owl represents work, and the parrot, play. They are looking in opposite directions, but they seem to me to be complementary.

In what we call the work-life balance, there is a suggestion that work and life are oppositional. Does it have to be this way? Perhaps work and play (play being more like the opposite of work than life) can also be complementary. I know that when I am faced with a huge list of things to do, I need to have breaks or rewards, to help me get through the list. This is easier to implement at home than at work, where I tend to be more focused (although computers provide easy access to numerous reward systems). I am lucky as my work as an art therapist involves elements of play, indeed I provide play therapy for some of my younger clients.

I read a review of a book which I found disturbing yesterday. Called Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, by Amy Chua: it apparently describes a Chinese mother's attempts to bring up her children to be overachievers like herself, by cramming their days with study and violin practice. There seemed to be no time for the children to play, and their protests (when they didn't feel like studying) were sometimes met with threats. I wondered about the psychological harm these children might suffer as a result of having no time to play.

As the first month of this AT/ACT challenge to 'be present, open up, and do what matters' is almost up, I have decided to revisit my original behavioural goals and briefly make a comment about how I have been doing on each one:

Family

My aim is to spend more time doing family things. We had a big family lunch last weekend at the Sunshine Coast, with my parents and my brother's family, and we have already booked our christmas break for the end of the year, never been that organised before. neither of these events was organised by me, but I am happily going with the flow! Also,  just heard that my lovely, brainy sister is visiting this winter from UK, yay!

Health
I am going to the gym regularly again, aiming for 3-4 times a week, including one session with a personal trainer. I have been continuing with my RCT, trying out red clover tablets for menopause symptoms. I have also been to my new female GP twice and really like her - this is important! She is a very good communicator.  My sleeping pattern is reasonably good, and I am continuing to meditate every day.

Environment
I have recycled and donated clothes and linen for people affected by the flood. We continue to compost, recycle leftovers for chooks, recycle waste, and collect rainwater (as much as the tank can hold, anyway). We have solar panels and solar hot water, so we are generating our own electricity when the sun shines.  S bought a new car this month: it runs on diesel like the previous one, but I could probably do better at using public transport some of the time, or my bicycle!


Community
This has been a huge theme this month, due to the flood. I have volunteered to do counselling for flood-affected people. I have had my pyjama angel interview, and just need to do the training, so I can be matched with a foster child. Today I am going to the Reggae for Recovery concert. Its a long time since I went to anything like this, but S loves reggae, and it seemed like a fun way to help raise money. It will be a nice reminder too of our past life in Brixton.

Friendship
Lots of  communication with friends since christmas, mainly on facebook and by email, and it has been good to catch up with friends face to face, whenever the opportunity presented itself.

Creativity,
I have done lots of sewing, making things for the house, altering clothes, and making containers of all kinds. I have also been doing drawing and painting for this blog. And the blog itself has become a valued outlet for my creativity.

Leisure
S and I went for a cycle yesterday, its his big thing, but I am trying to participate in that too, a bit. We are going to the concert together today. Often I just enjoy being at home, and watching films. Saw most of Horton hears a Who on TV last night - I love Dr Seuss! A few good messages there, about perceptions of reality, community action (good and bad) and support for the smallest in society. One thing bother me though - why was the kangaroo the baddie?. And the other day I saw I am Sam - sounds Seuss-ish, but is actually a movie about a disabled man (played by Sean Penn) and his rights as a father to be allowed to look after his daughter. 

Frugality
Managed not to buy any clothes so far this year. Only bought a hat for $20, when I was at the coast without one - my skin being more important on that occasion than my principles. I haven't bought any books online, either. I have bought some things - a new digital camera - well worth it as I have been using it almost every day, and it supports my creative goal. I paid for my son to go to camp - he got a lot out of that - and bought all his back to school stuff. And oh yes, S bought a new car. I wasn't sure about that. It wasn't my preference, but I admit its good to drive. He isn't trying to be frugal, clearly.

I am going to leave the rest for next post, as I am going to take the dog for a walk now, before it gets too hot.

P.S. I am reading Obama's Dreams from my Father. He is a good writer, and seems honest and thoughtful. This book is about his early life before politics.

more later.

Australia Day - almost...

 

Back into the light

 

The image on the right,  Back into the light, is a response to the image on the left, Through the floodgates, which I posted a week ago. (The first image was a reflection on how the grim reality of the Brisbane floods, had broken through a previous happy mood. This image in itself was a response to an earlier image, feeling joy, which I posted on 8th January.) Are you still with me?

In the second (or should that be third?) image, I reversed the dynamic of the previous image, so it now depicts breaking through from the dark foreground, which looks like a wall, to the bright and colourful background. What I wanted to do, was play with the idea of contrasts, or what you might call positive and negative, and to see how this could change the mood of the whole image. I am also interested in exploring the idea of an image being a response to another image (and another...). And how moods change, over and over again.

What I then noticed, when I turned the image on its side, is how similar the central shape is to the map of Australia, give or take a peninsula or two. Well, sort of...

 



This surprising similarity, so close to Australia Day tomorrow, made me think about how I feel about life in my adopted homeland, and what I appreciate about it. After all, the image was originally supposed to represent positivity breaking through from a dark place. So here is my unpremeditated short list of thirteen Australian things I am grateful for (I love lists!):

• bright sunshine on so many days
• rain on the tin roof (but not when it doesn't stop)
• the Pacific Ocean and the Barrier Reef
• the expression 'That's un-Australian!'
• multiculturalism
• indigenous art
• the rainforest
• enthusiasm for life and BBQ's
• parrots
• we said 'sorry'
• islands - Straddie, Tassie et al.
• great food and wine 
• the vast scale of the landscape

 
I finally had my Angel interview yesterday. It was for the Pyjama Foundation, which sends volunteers to read to foster children. The volunteers are called 'pyjama angels'.
 
More later.



opening the floodgates*

Exit through the floodgates





Apologies to Banksy for the title - its obviously a reference to his 'exit through the gift shop' movie about the elusive graffitist. To make this paint, pastel and collaged image, which I had clearly in mind before I made it, I printed out a copy of a previous image on joy, and used it as the basis for this image, which shows how easily unpleasant reality can break through.  What this is also about is emotional responses to trauma - I heard several people breaking down as they told their flood stories to reporters on the radio this morning.

Fortunately the taboo on public crying seems to be eroding - Premier Anna Bligh broke down on tv the other day, whilst proclaiming that we would 'get back up again, because we are Queenslanders!' There is a tradition of Australian politicians crying on tv: Bob Hawke famously did so and then more recently Kevin Rudd also 'blubbered' (he couldn't help self-critiqueing at the same time) when he was shoved aside for Julia Gillard. No British stiff upper lip here!

I am feeling surprisingly upset myself, although not personally affected. Partly it is frustration at not being able to help - yet. I have registered to offer counselling but I suspect they are overwhelmed with volunteers, as with the clean up. And the clean up is the first priority. My husband is back on community recovery duty, this time in our local area, facilitating emergency payments, and he is hearing sad stories all day (they are doing 12 hour shifts).  He is finding it very tough. At least he has a role and is able to help people out.

The weekend was weird. I did lots of sewing projects. Like writing, sewing is a step by step task. I decided to try to finish things I started. I finished the laptop bag:

I am pretty pleased with how it turned out. Then I made this basket (another container, in these uncontained days) which is to keep items in whilst being charged (the hole is for the electrical cord).

I really like this one too. The ideas came from a recently acquired book called One metre wonders, as everything in it can be made with one metre of fabric or less. Now I just have to finish the jumper I started to knit 6 months ago (its about 35 degrees centigrade, so finishing the jumper is not a priority).

I am back at work properly tomorrow - I am not sure how often I will write in here, but I hope I can keep the momentum going. I set myself the goal of writing this in under an hour today (sprint training?), going ok so far. Its been great to get into a routine whilst on holiday. I am enjoying getting feedback and trying to accept my occasional anxiety about self-exposure.

I let some other routines go in the last week, due to my shock at the floods, such as regular gym classes, daily stretches for my ham strings, and I even missed a couple of daily meditations. My sleeping pattern is also dysfunctional again. I don't feel right when this happens. Yet it is so hard to hold onto these important (to me) behaviours when I am feeling upset or anxious. 

A couple of other things I wanted to share. I love this article by Oliver Burkeman , which includes references to the Happiness Project, and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. He also alerted me to Sonja Lyubomirsky's website, which led to this song about Happiness. Very cool!

*I suspect there will be more flood puns too, a colleague earlier today was complaining about the flood of emails on his return to work.

Approx 55 minutes. More later.