opening up

Journal page - 'be present, open up, and do what matters'

I made this image in a studio-based experiential art therapy workshop I set up with my second year students this week. It is a combination of paper collage and pastels. I added the text later.

It is taking me a long time to get started on writing this today. The reason is, that today is the first anniversary of my father's death, and I decided to write something about that here. Knowing that sad feelings will come up, often leads to 'experiential avoidance', which means doing anything else that will distract us from our feelings.

Obviously, the internet is the perfect tool for experiential avoidance. I could call it research, and it may well lead to some useful artist links to share, however it is basically a way of blocking uncomfortable feelings and thoughts, and this is not always helpful.

'Visible mending'

Last year, when dad was dying, I managed to spend some time in Cornwall with him, and to say 'goodbye'. One of the things I did whilst I was there, which helped me to both express and contain my feelings, was writing and making art in this handmade book, which I called 'Visible mending'. I wrote down things I wanted to remember about this time, which was very intense and sad, but which was also a unique experience, which I will always be grateful for. 

'Jazz musicians never die, they just turn to soul'

Dad died soon after I returned home to Australia, and I went back to Cornwall for the funeral. At the funeral, my brother Stephen spoke about finding a mug with the slogan 'jazz fans never die, they just turn to soul' in Dad's studio. This had multiple layers of meaning, as our generation related to soul music more than jazz. As dad was a jazz musician, as well as a fan, I adapted it a little. Also, astonishingly, the handmade book I wrote and drew in turned out to have 79 pages, (the 80th was the back cover) and I put this image (above) on the final page. Dad was 79 when he died.

'Release'

So there were a number of goodbyes. Being there was very good for me, as it enabled me to connect with my feelings, and to connect with the support that was there, from family, especially my siblings, and friends. I also had a strong sense of how music, images and words can help to manage and contain emotions. One song on my i-pod that I listened to a lot at the time, and which can still easily lead to tears, is Throw your arms around me by Hunters and Collectors. Its the line 'we may never meet again' that gets me every time. Luckily I am not a Freudian, or the fact that this song is about a one night stand would freak me out..

the colour purple

I dyed some clothes purple yesterday - this is a good thing to do when you are not allowing yourself to buy new clothes. Then I remembered reading somewhere, that in Victorian times, purple was a later stage mourning colour, after black and grey.

I have been keeping a gratitude journal this month. Aiming for 5 things a day I am grateful for.

I haven't written much about dad, but maybe I'll leave that for another day.

more later.