bicycle on road
This entry is not just about cycling, but about the fact that I have had two recent experiences of strong emotions coming up whilst cycling, which I am going to share with you. The first example is a story about bike rage, and I'm not proud of it, although no one was hurt (except me).
The Brisbane river has a number of cycle and pedestrian bridges, which means that there are a few different city loops which can be taken, which are fairly flat, and early in the morning on the weekend, these loops are really peaceful and enjoyable (although the river at high tide still looks muddy, full to the brim and potentially dangerous).
For the past two weeks, I have been cycling with S, who is becoming a seriously committed and fast road cyclist. I am very much the amateur with an L-plate in comparison. We are still trying to work out how to cycle together without either of us feeling too compromised. Added to this, I am impatient with my gears, and don't always change them at the right time, frequently making the chain fall off (this was happening about three times on a bad day).
The last time this happened, I fell onto the bar and hurt my knee, and had a sudden attack of bike rage. I picked up the bike, and threw it deliberately at a tree on the pavement (we were in the inner city). What I noticed and was shocked by, was the clarity of purpose and the absolute focus with which I made the decision to do this, and then carried it out, with absolute conviction that this was the right thing to do.
Far from 'seeing red' and acting impulsively, I realised that there was a thought first, followed by a committed action, albeit a stupid one. It gave me an insight into the power (and energy for action) of anger, and the potential for harm which was inherent in that moment. I am happy to say the bike and the tree were unscathed. Although it was shocking, it was actually a useful experience for me in terms of working as a therapist with angry clients - one boy in particular comes to mind - who see violence as a logical solution to anger.
Chris Lilley's 'mockumentary' Angry Boys starts this week on ABC2, and although it may be uncomfortable viewing, I am going to try to watch it, or catch it later on I-View.
The second story occurred this weekend, on the same circuit, when S and I accidentally lost each other. I had been leading until we crossed the appropriately named Goodwill Bridge. As S passed me I said, 'I want to stop now!' Unfortunately, he didn't hear me, and he disappeared off into the City Botanical Gardens. Feeling tired, thirsty (he had the water bottle) and confident he would soon notice I wasn't following him, I stopped on a park bench and sat and waited. And waited.
S didn't return, and I was too tired to cycle after him (it was a circular loop through the gardens, and I didn't think I'd catch him). He was obviously, I thought, taking the opportunity to cycle faster now he wasn't following me. At this point, I realised I didn't have my phone, any money, or car keys either. S had all these things. I decided to go back rather than forwards - I waited for ten minutes on the other side of the bridge, as I thought he would have to pass me at some point, but he didn't come, so I thought perhaps he had somehow gotten ahead of me. I then anxiously made my way back to the ute, which was parked at the start of our ride, as he would have to come back there as well, eventually. We had to get home, to give J a lift to his football game a little later that morning.
I had visions of having to cycle all the way home (about 10 kilometers). This was quickly turning into a nightmare - I promised myself I would never go anywhere without my phone, money, car keys and water again. Eventually he turned up, having done several double backs and waited in various places as well. We were separated for about 45 minutes, I think, but it seemed longer. Of course, we both had a lot to say when we were reunited. And it wasn't: 'I'm so happy to see you darling!'
This reminded me of the dog in the rain metaphor in ACT. If a dog is locked out of the house all day in the rain, it will still be pleased to see you on your return. But if you lock your husband out in the rain all day, he will be upset and angry when you return! Humans need to go back endlessly over what happened, and why, whereas the dog is able to let it go, and to appreciate being let back into the house.
These episodes also remind me of when I did a sort of Bioenergetics when I was younger: basically this is body-based psychotherapy. Emotions would be much more accessible when the body was energised, through a variety of techniques. And psychotherapist Babette Rothschild, who is coming to Brisbane in June, writes about the body-mind-emotion connection in The Body Remembers.
mother's day quince friands
For something completely different, I made these for Mother's Day yesterday, having followed Maggie Beer's recipe for roasted quince, which was on Masterchef the other night. I love quinces! And older son slept at home last night, first time for over a year, as he was behind with his final teaching assignment, and teaching prac. starts today. I also love being a mum.
more later.
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