flow

'flow' diagram

Yesterday I started writing a presentation for a workshop I am doing next week, called 'Creative Activities for Mindful Therapists'. It will be the first time I facilitate a workshop which combines art therapy (the creative part) and acceptance and commitment therapy, or ACT,  (the mindful part). I have been looking forward to it, and am hoping that despite the flood chaos, we can still go ahead.

During my preparation, I came across a You Tube film clip of Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi talking about the concept of 'flow'. He describes how he first got interested in psychology, after 'accidentally' going to a talk in Zurich on flying saucers (!) by Carl Jung, after the second world war. The clip is called Creativity, Fulfilment and Flow, and its worth looking up.

Csikszentmihalyi interviewed many creative people, such as writers, musicians and artists, and discovered that they all experienced going into this optimum and ecstatic state of creativity. He called it 'flow', as this is the term many of them used to describe it. Basically, it means becoming totally engrossed in a particular activity, so that the passing of time, and other everyday events, go unnoticed. Csikszentmihalyi  noted that 'ecstasy' originally (in the ancient Greek) meant 'standing outside yourself' or as he explained it, in an alternative reality.

This is very similar to the concept of mindfulness, but flow also involves activity, whereas we often think of mindfulness in terms of meditation, or sitting still and not doing anything physically. In ACT, mindfulness in everyday activities is emphasised. Paradoxically, mindfulness is about being fully present, rather than 'outside yourself'. The part that we need to try to stand apart from, is our everyday mind, which is not always helpful. In fact, I can see now how the mind is very similar to that endless tv coverage I wrote about the other day. Repetitive, negative, sensationalist, with the occasional snippet of helpful information.

Another example of an unhelpful thought, inspired by wordle.net:

i'm no good!

Flow seems like a good word for today for more immediate reasons. The river continues its relentless flow to Moreton Bay, and its power is gradually waning, as the waters recede. The after effects will be far-reaching, however. Last night, the supermarket fresh fruit and vegetable shelves were bare: it made me think of food shortages under communism, but this is Australia in 2011... Much of the top soil from the Lockyer Valley, which is where many of Queensland's vegetables are grown, is now being washed into Moreton Bay, so its not just a short term crisis. The flow on effect is going to be huge...excuse the pun!

We had a very quick Thai fish curry from the freezer last night: I found a salmon fillet, a piece of snapper, a small bag of scallops, and some fish balls in the freezer, I made a Thai red curry sauce with paste from a jar and coconut milk, added a few vegetables (onions, capsicum and snow peas) and put in the chunks of still frozen fish at the end. It was delicious.  Incidentally I have been back to the gym, and found the routines reassuring.

There is a strange disconnect between the ongoing emergency, and moments of normality.
Now I have to go help a work mate clean up, who's house got inundated. More later.

'Red leaves' - the finished journal, with quilted covers

Mother Nature or La Nina, a woman is surely to blame!

Premonition

This is part of a collage I did several years ago: it was on the theme of cultural identity, and when I thought about what I associate with being Australian, the extremes of climate quickly came to mind. I guess I have always been fascinated with the sublime...

submerged

I did this earlier today. The pastel drawing/collage is a response to the images on tv: of the raging river, and of a house underwater.

Early this morning (4am Thursday 13th Jan) the Brisbane River peaked at around 4.5 metres, which was about a metre short of the worst predictions, and lower than the previous floods in 1974 and 1893. We had a pretty good idea that we would be safe, as we live in a suburb which is on relatively high ground, and our house is on stilts as it is one of the original 'Queenslanders'.

However, I was still anxious and did not sleep well. Our power had gone off last night at about 6pm, as we were watching the endless news bulletins, which created a sense of isolation, but was strangely peaceful after the information overload I had subjected myself to in the previous 24 hours. Why is that seamless news coverage so addictive? It is boring and repetitive, but I couldn't switch it off. I am sure it helped create my anxiety.

I noticed that a few days ago, the Queensland Premier, Anna Bligh, had refered to Mother Nature as the cause of the extraordinary rain and floods. Alternatively, a climate specialist blamed another female -  La Nina, (Spanish for 'the girl') - a cyclic weather system which causes higher than average rainfall in Eastern Australia. The specialist did then say quietly, at the end of the interview, that global warming had caused the higher ocean temperatures, which trigger La Nina into action.

If we have to blame a woman Anna - and we don't - lets think about who is responsible. The Bligh government has been very keen to cash in on the mining boom and to sell as much coal to China as possible -well, we were just selling them what they wanted, not our fault they went and burned it, creating more carbon emissions!  I guess it seemed in the past as if China copped the floods not us.

Yesterday, I also started to make this, its a bag for my lap top, with a watery theme:

lap top bag with raindrops

I wrote the other day about containment. Perhaps this was my need to contain, again, and although I am pleased with the bag, I am still feeling all over the place, like the river. The river is uncontained. It is spilling out all over the city, spreading muddy water, all sorts of debris and contaminents wherever it goes.  People are scared, tired, displaced and shell shocked. Even though it hasn't hurt me directly, I still feel very unsettled.

This week was my last week of holiday, and I was looking forward to a peaceful week: easing into work slowly, getting into a good routine, and doing some fun stuff as well. Feels like eveything has been turned upside down. I have not been going out of the house much, and am missing my regular gym classes (not even sure if there are any, or if the gym is even open, but I could find out easily). Now, I am trying to work out What Matters in this unexpected scenario. I have enquired about volunteering, but it seems hard to get an answer at this stage, it is probably too early and things are too disorganised. I have donated some money, so that is something. What  I know about trauma, is that keeping to a routine, and keeping calm, is incredibly important. I am both aware of this fact, and finding it hard to act on it. That is my challenge for the next few days.

And the Angel interview I wrote about the other day? The interviewer didn't turn up. The office was in a flood prone area. That was my first sign that things were falling apart this week. More later.

Women's Business?

Somebody's Luggage - inside and outside views

This remarkable piece of jewellery - is it a locket? - was a present from my father many years ago. It has some very old (Victorian?) photos in it, of person's unknown. So the title 'Somebody's Luggage', on the outside is very appropriate. I have been trying to get a good photo of it, so I can make a print to use as a journal cover (more on this below). I got this idea from my mother (she has the same creative bug) who has been experimenting with printing photos onto fabric (amongst other things), and she has been doing some amazing things with book covers - perhaps I can share photos of her work here sometime. 

Anyway, I liked the idea of a photo of a suitcase on the cover of a book. Apart from wondering about the people in the photos, it also makes me think about the idea of 'baggage', as opposed to luggage: what we choose to bring with us, and what we don't choose, and would rather get rid of.

organised earrings

On one level, this is relevant to my deck-clearing and decluttering campaign - yesterday I sorted out my earrings - on another it is about memories and behaviours and thoughts and feelings and all the stuff we call 'baggage' - in the psychological sense. Does clearing out the material clutter somehow give us the illusion that we can sweep our mind clear as well?

As a therapist, I understand I am acting as a symbolic 'container' for other people's difficult 'stuff', so its appropriate that my therapist father gave it to me. Was he perhaps unconsciously acknowledging that some of my own 'stuff' might be about him? (how could it not be?). Or did he want me to take on some of his difficult stuff? (how could I not?). All good food for thought.

My 15 year old is going on a 'youth leadership' camp next week, and one of the statements on the flyer was that it would teach them to 'master your mind and emotional states...eliminate fear and negative self-talk' - wow, big promise! It also promises to teach them how to play the stock market and get onto the property ladder in order 'to create your own financial destiny'. I could suggest that perhaps being motivated enough to get a part-time job at a fast food outlet is a more realistic goal at this stage, but hey, I guess there is no harm in aiming high. We (parents) suspect there is a deep-seated and ill-concealed capitalist agenda to this camp, but as my dear husband says, its good to know your enemy...

So why did I call this post 'Women's Business'? Another thing that matters to me is keeping tabs on my health, and I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. This was encouraging, in that I got feedback on my blood tests from last week - all good results, cholesterol is 5.5, could be lower but not too high - however no information was forth-coming on whether I am actually in the menopause yet (is this like in the zone? - perhaps not), despite having fairly rampant symptoms. And wasn't that the point of the blood tests?

I am bemused by the manner of most doctors. How do they make you feel ten years old again? I had just agreed that I had one of the many symptoms of menopause - poor memory - and then she asked me how long since I last had a mammogram! (How would I know? - I just go when I get a letter telling me to go). She also told me to return in a week - this seems to be common practice - without really discussing why I would need to be doing that.

One useful piece of information though - apparently the herbal remedy RCT  I have put myself on (Red Clover Tablets, called Promensil) have been proven to reduce menopause symptoms - but only if taken at double the recommended dose. So I have now adjusted my RCT (art therapist's joke, also refers to a Randomised Controlled Trial) accordingly. I told the doctor I wondered if my perceived improvement on these tablets was due to the placebo effect - she said if that was the case, it would wear off after 3 months.

One other thing - I have noticed that hot flushes, like blushing, seem to be triggered by thinking about them.

If only I had that thought control down pat...

Two quilted journal covers

Some other 'women's business' - no caps this time as its not, really - my artwork for the past two or three days has involved sewing, but is also book related. I had seen a website  about journal quilts, and since I also make visual journals and other hand made books, I was very excited! I don't know about making a weekly journal quilt - I have enough projects - but I did immediately start making some small quilts the size of A5 paper, so that they can be glued onto stiff card and made into books. The best part was the size, which makes them very quick to do and manageable.  

'Ladybird' book covers

I am using the crazy quilting method, which involves  machine-sewing random shapes of fabric directly onto the backing, which is an old mattress protector, cut into A5 rectangles. I am using mainly strips of retro prints which I had previously bought in a roll, and incorporating pieces of fabric from clothes I have cut up to customise, or other remnants. For the quilting, I am machine sewing into the seams ('ditch-stitching' - great term!). I also started hand embroidering the quilts once they are pieced together, to enhance the quilted effect. I like to use running stitch as if I were drawing on the fabric, to accentuate the design. The hardest part is glueing the fabric onto the book cover without messing up the corners.

I have an interview today to become an angel (I just misspelt that 'anger') - wish me luck...more later.

Creativity and happiness

feeling joy

One thing I have noticed, since I started writing regular posts, is how often my moods change during a single day. This image is an attempt to 'capture' a happy mood. I used wax crayons shaped like pebbles - very nice to use - on watercolour paper, and rubbed them randomly over four different rubbing plates, which have a raised surface - its a bit like doing brass rubbings. I then painted over it with yellow and orange dyetex, one of my favourite art materials.

The wax resists the dyetex, so you can build up layers, something I often incoporate into my artwork, whether it is with pastels, paint, collage or applique (in sewing). I also like the effect of totally covering the surface to create a 'colour field', somehow it makes me think of the 'wall of sound' that Motown music is well known for - an example of my mild synaesthesia, which is when the senses are interwoven, so that you 'see' colours when you think of letters, (for example my 'A's are usually yellow!).

Moments of joy are often fleeting, but doing things that matter to me, makes me happy  - not just at the time, but also in anticipation and in retrospect. This is a list of some of the things I did in the last few days that continue to feed my happiness and sense of well-being:

the 'swimming pool' at GOMA

• Went to GOMA (Gallery of Modern Art - possibly influenced by MOMA?) to see the current 21st century exhibition. This image of the pool is a visual trick as it creates the illusion of people being underwater...Outside, ironically, it was pouring with rain, again.
• I cleaned out my fridge. Ok this one was not so great at the time, but felt great after it was done! Lots of food for the chooks was forthcoming as well...
• Writing this blog. Both aspects, making art and writing, are things I have always wanted to do more of. So glad I thought of a way to do both at once...also
• Poetry. I saw a trailer for the movie Invictus, about Nelson Mandela, and how he inspired the South African rugby team, whilst watching a DVD. I wondered aloud where the quote: "I am the master of my fate/I am the captain of my soul" came from - without looking, I found the answer in this blog the following day. (William Ernest Henley, 1849-1903). For the Jungians, that is an example of synchronicity. And another blogger wrote me a haiku, when I emailed him with feedback on what he had written, which is very exciting. I'll share it another time.
• Participating in the on-line community, which I am starting to experience, in the examples above.
• Going to the gym. Without fail, it lifts my mood, and even when it hurts afterwards, which is often at my age, I am glad I went. In fact I am going to body pump in under an hour, so need to finish here.
• Watching the sunset - this was two nights ago - I have intensified the colour saturation to show the rainbow that was visible at the time, but harder to capture at twilight on camera.

rainbow sunset

That one speaks for itself. More later.



taking time to notice things

the chaos of modern life

Yesterday I enjoyed watching the chooks eating their food. Today when I fed them, I noticed one of them was missing, and the one that is her best friend  was looking very scared. So I think the carpet snake has been back, after all. Now we urgently have to snake proof the chook house.

I have revisisted the shopping centre to get my glasses adjusted, and kept having to remind myself not to look in clothes shops! It is surprisingly liberating however, when I remember. This Guardian article here  by Tanya Gold expresses just how I feel...(I have just learnt how to do links, thanks to my 15 yr old son).

It is so easy to get sucked into this consumerism stuff! I admit I have not been feeling totally positive and motivated in the last 24 hours. This is ok, as I understand that my emotions will always be in a state of flux...for example, I felt overwhelmed after writing out my resolutions last night, as I worked out how to do this on the Happiness Toolkit website. I made the mistake of writing too many behavioural goals, and realising I did not want to be checking them off every day: in fact it made me feel as if I would develop OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and would spend so much time checking, I would have less time to do what matters. And I truly believe that checking is not what matters. So back to the drawing board on that one, but I will work out something I am more comfortable with. Lists, I think, will be important. I like lists, they give me the illusion of order.

On the more positive side, I got some creative inspiration from the library, in the form of Heston Blumenthal's Fat Duck Cookbook. I can guarantee I will never cook anything in it, (I don't have the necessary science lab equipment) but the images are amazing, as is the whole concept. More edible sculpture than food, but what a mind he has, to conceive of making a dish incorporating gold, frankincense and myrrh. He also tells stories about his childhood food memories, which I can relate to, as we grew up in England in the same era (think Berni Inns, old school Chinese restaurants, and Opal Fruits, before they got rebranded as Starburst).

Speaking of food, there was an interesting program on SBS last night, called House of Food Obsessives. It used the application of positive psychology to address eating issues, in a similar manner to Making Australia Happy, which was on ABC a couple of months ago. Summer seems to be the time for reality TV shows about positive psychology...perhaps they think no one will be watching? The importance of taking risks was stressed, and each participant was challenged to live their lives more fully according to what would make them happy, and stop using food to avoid dealing with difficult feelings or sensations. The guy who ate only chicken and rice with chili sauce for dinner for 20 years was the most fascinating. He was challenged to go to a life drawing class, which seemd to help get him out of his comfort zone, and into the (good) zone. Doing art, I would argue, helps us be more mindful, and therefore less avoidant.

I also saw a move called Speak (2004) which was about a traumatised teenage girl who was scared to speak about her traumatic experience, until she started to express herself in her art class. The art teacher was a dreadful rebel against the system stereotype, but the movie was good (I am in a DVD mailing club, still in the introductory free period at the moment). 

Being on leave right now, I am slowing down, which is great, but at the same time, I panic occasionally about getting less done. I am becoming more aware of what I need to do: for example, I am putting on sunscreen before taking the dog for a walk (its actually been quite sunny in the last few days, although another storm is brewing right now). However, this takes time - it seems to take me about half an hour to get out of the door, as I am remembering to take my camera, my keys, etc. However, once I am out, I am noticing things, like this beautiful tree which I had walked past many times, and never seen before.

I went to the gym again today, and did a yoga class (I arrived late, so only had time to run before the class for 10 minutes). I also did a drawing, see above. It is more of an 'art therapy' type drawing this time, expressing being overwhelmed by feelings, thoughts and the general complexity and chaos of modern life. It also depicts the difficulty of containing these experiences at times.

The storm has come and gone. Just like my bad mood.

More later.

rechargeable batteries

I bought a new camera yesterday...the old one is large and clunky and seems to run out of batteries after every few shots, so I decided to buy one that has rechargeable batteries. I got a Canon Ixus 105, as it was independently recommended by two of the sales people, and it was on sale as well. I wanted to be able to take reasonable photos for recording any artwork I do, and I like the idea of just taking more photos as I go about my day, which will be easier with a lighter camera that keeps working.

 

getting ready to paint

In fact I did quite a bit of shopping, whilst also being mindful of my intention to be frugal.  If I have to justify this to myself, I had made a list of things I needed (not just wanted), that I believed were consistent with my behavioural goals.

This included the camera, new pens, a box file system for storing my sons' school photos and reports (an idea I got from Gretchen Rubin's book, The Happiness Project:  http://www.happiness-project.com/), new pillows (the old ones smell really bad), and headphones for my i-Pod (the old ones have exposed wires).

I also had to collect a new pair of glasses, which I ordered last year, but which I needed to collect in 2011, to get the rebate from my health fund. It felt weird to be spending a lot of money in one hit, but it was the logical thing to do and although I felt magically drawn towards the clothes shops, I didn't go into any of them! Wow, only three days into 2011 and it already seems like a crazy idea, to buy no new clothes for a year. Wonder how I will go on that one...

Toohey Forest - last photo with old camera

Before the shopping trip, I took the dog to Toohey Forest. On the way there, I saw a large dead snake on the road beside the creek. Was this the carpet snake that had eaten one of our chooks about three weeks ago, run over whilst in the process of coming back for another meal? S had seen the suspect very near this spot, just after the offence was committed. So quite likely it was the same one. Karma perhaps? We still need to make the chook house snake-proof, as there will be others.

I have had a lot of time to think about this blog in the past couple of days, and have actually been having to restrain myself from writing in it whenever I get the urge. I have decided to regulate this by having to make a piece of artwork before I write. This will ensure that I do more art, which is one of my goals. It turns out the writing part comes more easily, now I have got over some of my initial terror. I also see the process of writing about my art as one of the primary goals of the blog. Here is the next image:

grounded

This painting was a bit less spontaneous than the two previous images. I had planned it as a visual response to meditation: I decided to use water colours, and even referred to the Field Guide to the Birds of Australia, so the (barn) owl looks a bit more like an owl than the last one I drew. The painting attempts to capture an experience I often have during meditation, of feeling that my spine is like a tree trunk connected to the ground (actually the mattress of my bed), and that my mind is opening out like the branches of a tree. At least, that is how I depicted it, which made it more concrete than it originally was.

The birds seemed important to include for several reasons. I had an owl in my previous image, where the owl was supposed to represent The Observing Self, which as I explained in the previous post, is closely related to the experience of mindfulness.  As a counterpoint to the owl, I chose a parrot, to represent the chattering noisy mind. This parrot is a rainbow lorikeet, which is native to Queensland.

I have a couple of other reasons for including birds, some to do with other peoples' artworks, which have influenced and inspired me. One of my artist friends often paints birds in trees: I am not sure what they mean to her, but her paintings are always very beautiful. Another friend made a clay sculpture of a person's head, and placed a clay bird in a nest on top of the head. He did this when his father died, and it helped.  The theme of birds is also related to writing: Anne Lamott's writing guide Bird by Bird, was inspired by her fathers words 'just take it bird by bird' (her brother was trying to write a school assignment on birds at the time). On a more prosaic level, we are currently bird-sitting a budgie and a cockatiel, while their owner is on holiday. This has been surprisingly fun - they are very low maintenance and don't squawk much.

On another matter, I have recently come across a blog by a Brisbane psychiatrist, Dr Graham Martin, in which describes his account of a seriously disabling medical condition he experienced just over a year ago, where he ended up being a patient in the hospital he works in. This gave him cause to reflect at length on the patient's experience of being in hospital. I am including this here as it is relevant in at least two ways:

• the therapist/healer being more reflective (and transparent) about their practice, which is what I am writing about as well.
• the effect of illness on our lives, and how it can be life-enhancing as well as debilitating, if it creates a more mindful state of awareness and appreciation. 

Graham's account also reminded me of visiting my father in hospital in February last year, just before he died. It was not a good experience. Some of the nurses were quite hostile to us as visitors. We upset their routines.  

Graham also writes Haiku, and this is the latest one:

Haiku on the end of the year

New Year's Eve tonight

Fireworks will make quite a show

Illuminating?

This is the link to Graham's blog: http://child2100.blogspot.com/

I am continuing to write out my behavioural goals  in my journal - I need a format for this, and am hoping to use Rubin's Resolutions Chart. It is pretty clear to me that this month's focus so far is health and home. I have been slowly clearing out cupboards and creating organised spaces. I found out I can donate my surplus linen to the flood recovery effort. Excellent.

Sounds grim in the flood affected areas. 

A storm is brewing right now. Does this mean more rain?

More later. 

Happy New Year!

New Year's Day started early, driving husband to airport to join a 'Community Recovery Team' in one of the Queensland regional flood affected areas. He will be assessing flood damage and enabling emergency welfare payments to householders. A great example of 'doing what matters', even though I cannot claim any personal credit for this one...

 

Insomnia 1.1.11

I love the simplicity of today's date!

This drawing illustrates an night of insomnia recently experienced - actually (and perhaps not coincidentally) the night after I posted the last entry, and then linked it to Facebook. Now, I don't have a good sleeping pattern usually, but had noticed during the holidays with lower stress levels, and the soothing sound of rain on the roof most nights, I was sleeping better, despite frequent night sweats and other horrors usually attributed to the menopause. However, on this occasion I awoke in the early hours (when it was still dark), and had several mini-panic attacks (apologies if you have had real panic attacks, I had one once and it was much worse than this), at the thought of my blog being seen by other human beings. Oh my god, what had I done?

To return to the drawing, if you look carefully you will notice in the window of my bedroom there is a badly drawn obese owl, who is commenting helpfully 'notice the thoughts and let them go'. This is supposed to represent the 'Observing Self' in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy http://www.actmindfully.com.au/, which is the psychological framework I am using for this experiment.

What is the Observing Self? It is a part of ourselves which is not our thoughts. In other words, when we constantly get caught up in our thoughts, which are often unhelpful, we need to try to 'tune in' to the more chilled Observing Self, which just notices the thoughts and, as the wise owl says, lets them come and go, without trying to change them in any way. It is really hard to remember that we are more than our thoughts, as they tend to dominate our consciousness, and we usually pay them far too much attention. As Descartes said, 'I think therefore I am'.

Mindfulness practices (such as meditation) are perhaps one of the best ways to experience the Observing Self (and believe me, it only happens fleetingly) -something those Buddhist monks have known about for centuries. So one of my committed actions is to mediate everyday -something I started doing again last year after first learning Transcendental Meditation (TM) when I was fifteen. I actually enjoy doing it so its no great chore.

Another way of being mindful is to be creative, as when we are making things, the mind needs to work in tandem with our hands and our senses, and so has less opportunity to be a thought production factory...and hence a couple of examples of recent knitted creations follow. The first was actually commissioned by someone, hope she likes it! (I notice my mind could have a field day with that thought, thank you mind!)

tea cosy on bird cage

christmas tree on my front door



I am still working on breaking down my values into behavioural goals.

In relation to health, I have recently been to a new woman GP who is I feel confident will be a helpful resource in my quest for optimum well-being. I also ran 3 kms and cycled 6 kms at the gym yesterday, which slightly made up for pizza, flourless chocolate cake and other seasonal delights (well, thats how we celebrate the dog days after christmas in my world).

And in relation to frugality, I used christmas leftover lamb to make dinner last night, and, if I say so myself, it was delicious. I made Egyptian Stuffed Flatbread from Jamie Oliver's America. (Another Egyptian reference! - see previous post).  I am a big Oliver fan, at least, his recipes are great.

I also cleared out my linen cupboard (interesting fact - linen is known as 'manchester' in Oz, since that is where it used to come from - now it should be called 'china' - oh, that is already the name for something else imported). I gave some old duvet covers (known in Oz as 'doonas' - I am going to need a glossary at this rate) and sheets away, and put more stuff in the Lifeline bin, so there is more space in the cupboard. Linen is another item I used to buy a lot of...

More later.